Ever notice how it's the little things in life that amuse us so much? More to the point, ever notice how it's the silly little idiocies in life that amuse us more than anything else? Well, this is not as much ''the little blog that could'' as it is ''the blog that enjoys going up the down escalator in your local mall.'' Will it have anything of real importance? No, probably not. But enjoy the ride never the less!

 

For my five hundredth bit of nowhere, I wanted to do something epic. I wanted to do something memorable. I wanted the people who read this blog (or at least check it on a semi-regular basis to see if I've actually updated it) to stand up and cheer for the mind-blowingly brilliant insights I would share with the world at large.

Then I stumbled across this article, and once I finished laughing figured it would much more suit the mood of this blog:

Drunk 'Darth Vader' punished for Jedi attack

LONDON (AFP) - A booze-fuelled Briton pretending to be Star Wars villain Darth Vader was punished Tuesday for a bizarre surprise attack on two Jedi fanatics. Arwel Wynne Hughes, 27 -- who has a chronic alcohol problem -- donned a black bin bag for a cape and used a metal crutch for a lightsabre when he impersonated the Dark Lord of the Sith on March 25.

He then lept over the wall of a "Jedi Church" where Barney Jones and his cousin Michael were duelling with lightsabres while filming a documentary. The fans of the Star Wars films established the "church" last year in Holyhead, northwest Wales. Hughes hollered "Darth Vader" as he swung his crutch about, whacking Barney Jones over the head with it and punching Michael Jones in the thigh.

The Jedi are guardians of peace and justice, and the force was with them at Holyhead Magistrates' Court as district judge Andrew Shaw punished "Darth Vader" with a two-month suspended jail sentence and a 100-pound (195-dollar, 126-euro) fine.

Hughes got off lightly compared to the film version of Vader -- who had a hand chopped off by his son Luke Skywalker and was finished off by bolts of Force lightning from the evil Emperor Palpatine. Hughes, who has previous convictions for assault, had drunk the best part of a 10-litre box of wine and could not remember the attack, his lawyer Frances Jones told the court.

...so does this mean Vader was an atheist?

For references, you can find the article here:
http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/080513/oddities/britain_court_offbeat_entertainment_film_starwars

Labels: the kingdom of heaven given any thought have you

posted by Phillip at 9:18 PM

 

In one week, many of us will be falling upon Anime North's resident hotels (if we haven't already assembled) like a mad horde of dingoes in search of a baby to eat. Though instead of babies (sweet succulent babies!), Harvey's would like to interest you in something a little less Soilent Greeny. You'd think they'd have learned from last year...

Guess whose chain is offering free original burgers once again on the Sunday of the convention? And for those of you unaware of the geographical layout, guess whose burger joint is located right between the convention centre and hotel? Yeah, if I'm there at Harvey's for anything on Sunday, it'll be to get a picture of the skein of hungry otaku with no money left coiled around it.

But with a week to go, the only real thoughts reverberating through my head are: "It's just a week left?" as well as the almost-as-important "should that leftover pizza be crawling across the carpet like that?"

Of course...with a week to go before the Con starts, I've already blown half my swag money. On manga.

No, I'm serious.

Two big titles I've been gunning for at AN08 for months now have been the Ouran Host Club and Fullmetal Alchemist series. Half my swag money was already devoted to collecting those volumes. Imagine my surprise to discover that the Chapters stores around here are throwing a sale on all Viz manga: 20% off the price, plus an additional 10% off with the iRewards card (which we have).

It's strange, in a way: I would have saved more money on any other day had I purchased the titles via the Dealer's Room instead of Chapters, but all of a sudden Chapters has saved me more money than both the Dealer's Room and usual-day-Chapters. And I'm happy.

Of course, in the process I also broke 2 of the Chapters' sales tills. Not physically, though. Come on, most of you have seen how scrawny my arms are. I'd need some serious momentum behind me to dent a till. But apparently buying 22 volumes of manga with additional promo discounts on top of the cost, and all in one shot, has the inborn ability to destroy Chapters' computers within seconds.

I know I seem to have issues with technology. Mel's car doesn't like me, and reminds me of this almost daily by frakking with the auto-locks whenever I try to get in or out. Our DVD player doesn't seem to accept half the functions I push on our remote control...though of course when Mel tries the same thing seconds later, it all goes through perfectly. And our Net connection enjoys either suddenly slowing down or crashing altogether on a regular basis whenever I sit down and push any random key on the keyboard.

I've accepted that I might as well be a Good Omens character with the way technology seems to malfunction at my fingertips. This time, however, technology malfunctioned without me even touching the machine. Apparently I've mutated and have now become an airborne pathogen. I don't really know if I should be flattered or chagrined over this fact.

You may decide for yourselves.

Today's Lesson: apparently, in Grand Theft Auto 4, airplanes are 100% explosion-proof. The flaming SWAT vans you drive underneath one to avoid the other SWAT vans who don't seem to like you driving down the runways are not.

Labels: airborne anti-technological pathogens, I really should be reading manga instead of typing in witty tags, return of the suicidal Harvey's employees

posted by Phillip at 8:29 PM

 

Labels: lolpants

posted by Phillip at 4:26 PM

 


Sometimes memories are built upon the strangest of things. I imagine more commonly we base them on events or out-of-the-ordinary sights. Yesterday left its indelible mark on me solely by smell.

Naturally, the day before Mother's Day is filled with people scrambling last-minute to buy some token of affection for their moms. (The cynic in me wonders how poorly they show their moms they care the other 364 days in the year, but then again I generally tend to be anti-sentimental on these auspicious days. But I'll be the first to endorse my favourite candidate for a new designated holiday: I Sat Next To You on The Bus Day.) Much to my surprise, however, the mall was quieter than it's been in years past.

Huzzah for sunshiney days, I guess?

Anyhoo, our store has its benefits and drawbacks in being located right next to the Bay. No, scratch that: our store has its drawback in being located right next to the Bay's perfume section. The day before Mother's Day, all I could smell for 3 hours straight was the pungent scent of...probably half their perfume section, in all honesty. I swear, guys must have been getting into waterfights with each other over the spray samplers. It was near-lethal to even venture up to the front of the store and into the mall corridor.

Thankfully the madness subsided by the afternoon...only to replaced by a newer, more maddening smell: meat.

(I heard that snicker.)

A vendor's stand selling smoked meat & sausage has set up shop for the last couple of days in our wing...and the scent of all that meat is driving me nuts. (Short trip, I know, but humour me.) Frankly, I'm amazed that I've resisted their siren's song and not bought anything. So much smoked meat & summer sausage, so little money...



...dammit, and now I need to raid the fridge.

Labels: meat over matter

posted by Phillip at 8:26 AM

 


So, holy crap: I woke up at the start of this week, and April had somehow unannouncedly turned on me to become May. Which means Anime North is creeping up towards me like a scary Bogeyman waiting to pop out of the closet and yell, "No time left!"

...if, you know, scary Bogeyman did that sort of thing. I suppose they could shout "No time left" to herald their arrival, but unless they messily devoured you first, all they'd really make you do is soil yourself (and thusly render yourself very non-edible). Unless there's a new breed of sadistic, vegetarian Bogeymen running loose in our closets.

I'll have Mel go check first.

Yet for all the sudden rushes that must be done before the post-May Two-Four weekend, everything still seems to be holding together at a manageable level. I think. I hope. The Confic has its rough draft done, so all that remains is tweaking the script and gathering the props. Fortuitously, most of the props were written in solely because I already have them floating around the apartment. Or so the theory goes, as I've already discovered that the cat has made off with one of the mini-Predator figures I used to have.

In addition, prep work for a special "How To Write Bad Fanfiction and Garner Wide Acclaim For Yourself As An Infamously Terrible Author (Hey, It Worked For Oscar, Why Not You?)" panel is motoring along with the collaborative efforts of Sean Gaffney, Nightbreak and Steve Savage. I'd like to single them out for blame if any ideas or stories that emerge from this panel end up finding their way onto the Interwebs, and cause otaku's heads to explode.

Especially the ones with the random Digimon sex scenes....

Beyond that, there's been the usual deluge of "why are you all clamouring for my attention now when I have very little time to devote to you?" I have seen the Ironman movie and reveled in the cool geekery of it. I also got to spend two days alternating between vomiting, shaking profusely with the chills and acute nausea. Sometimes I had the near-nirvanic joy of experiencing all three at once.

(This all didn't come from from seeing Ironman, however. Though these symptoms did show up after I had to displeasure of watching Catwoman when Kevin ripped it for us to riff.)

But at the very least, the sickness didn't stop me from going out and procuring MST3K: The Movie on DVD. Yep, it's finally back in release, which makes me grateful I didn't shell out $400 for one of the rare Ebay ones that popped up occasionally. The DVD is incredibly bare-bones, with just a 'Play' and a 'Subtitle' option on the main menu. Still...there's something to be said for throwing the much-loved movie on and quoting nearly all the riffs.

Mel: "Yeah, it says something all right: you're a geek."

Me: "Correction: sexy geek!"

Mel: *audible snickers*

Other than, I've been powering through the Nadescio anime again...and also puzzling over why the Gekiganger-3 recap episode has apparently broken poor Mel. Which reminds me: I need to find out of the Nadesico movie was ever picked up for NA release, and if so how much it would cost me to acquire it.

Um...I should add something witty here in closing, shouldn't I? Hey, how about distracting you all with a retrospective post--the second bit of nowhere I ever did, no less!

For a moment, the word of the day could very well have been: "AAAAARRRRGGGHH!!!" (Give or take an exclamation point, of course)

This was brought on by an inherent lack of mayonnaise for my sandwich at lunchtime, which unto itself was a problem since the deli meat in question was chicken. And not just any sort of generic chicken deli meat, but black forest chicken meat. I'm not entirely sure what breeds of flightless poultry live in the forest wilds of east Europe (as the term "black forest" would tend to imply), but they go very well with mayonnaise. Upon discovering the mayonnaise and lack thereof, I went through the usual stages of panic:

1. Curiousity. ("That's funny, I could have sworn it was here on the top shelf.")

2. Consternation. ("Dammit, this is no longer funny. Where is it?")

3. Denial. ("There must still be mayonnaise here. I couldn't have finished the jar that fast!")

4. Withdrawal. ("Can't...breathe...without mayonnaise...on sandwich!")

5. Fear. ("Did someone steal my mayonnaise?!")

6. Even more fear. ("They could still be in the house! My mustard could be next!")

7. Self-preservation. ("Well, better the mustard than me.")

8. And finally, calm logic. ("I swear I'll hunt down the bastard responsible, and give him a lesson in tantric yoga with this 2x4!!")

In the end, someone had just left the mayonnaise out on the counter, and I in my blind panic and homicidal notions had simply failed to notice its innocuous presence. So all was well, and the potential "AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!" day was averted.

Now some of you may be scratching your heads right now and asking yourselves, "Why not just go with the mustard then?" Well, black forest chicken is not spicy, and as such I have found that its taste is better complimented by mayonnaise. That's just me, so don't sic a 'Mustard Is Better!' crusade on me, okay?

As a footnote, the rest of the day has come and gone without another "ARGH!" moment, so I am quite content. I have also learned a valuable lesson about putting away your condiments after you're done using them. I feel sufficiently enlightened and enthralled that I shall sleep much easier tonight, and I hope all of you out there do too.

Labels: Mel denying my sexy-geek status, movies I watch when I should be writing the AN08 Confic, the mayo rant, vegetarian Bogeymen

posted by Phillip at 7:04 PM